a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
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I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive