Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
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people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
hmm conte-me mais
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate