anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
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I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.