My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
You Might Also Like
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Weirdos gonna weird.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
This cat wants you to take your pills
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.