Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
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I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
When you don’t understand how floors work
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit