My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
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[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Ghost costume 😂
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
They’re the worst 😩