Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
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I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
we’re dead?
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
another case of gang violins
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
I need to get some bricks…
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-