Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
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I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Running from your problems is cardio .
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.