Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
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From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*