Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
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I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
*exercises sarcastically*
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
August 8
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.