sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
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Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Dune (2021)
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”