Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
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I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.