In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
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A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
you will never know the true number of layers
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
How did we not see this back then?
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.