It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
You Might Also Like
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
my fav colour is also hitler
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry