Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
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ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
🤣🤣🤣
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”