Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
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Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Pikachu found the lost joint