UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
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I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?