God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
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I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
School be like
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.