My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
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When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Miscakes
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
translated into Canadian
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.