I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
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If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “