Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
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Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Teach your children to beatbox
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses