*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
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[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…