Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
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My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep