First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
You Might Also Like
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend