Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
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Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?