I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
You Might Also Like
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
I cannot call her anything else now