At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
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The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!