The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
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Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
My teenage children choosing violence
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
I have never related to anyone more.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.