Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
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My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Don’t talk down to me
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted