Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
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[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]