“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
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Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family