girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
You Might Also Like
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.