the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
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Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.