My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
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[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
when the buffet is more honest than your date
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.