Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
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[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…