Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
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I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
I bet
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Ain’t no way
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.