* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
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My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Admin smashed it 😂
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
you will never know the true number of layers
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.