For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
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asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
I have never related to anyone more.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
me and my fake scenarios
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers