Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
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The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.