Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
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If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.