Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
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As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.