Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
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Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Squirrels before girls.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
guys i’ve cracked the code
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.