villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
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me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
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ME: finally a program for me
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!