It’s an epidemic…
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Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
The cashier just checked me out.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
I have questions??
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you