“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
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me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.