To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
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[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
San Francisco has too many rules
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time