My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
You Might Also Like
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
I want what they have
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you