For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
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Warm pools make me nervous.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family