All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
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ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead