I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
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[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.